Hard Times

What I love least about life as an adult are the hard times.

As a child, we are often blissfully unaware that anything is wrong with relationships. It isn’t until we grow older that we start to pick up on snide comments and uncomfortable social situations. I don’t think I would want to go back to being that blissfully unaware. If nothing else, I just want to feel that unending hope for the future as much as my 10-year-old self did.

For a large part of my life, I had relationships that I thought to be strong and long-lasting. I would say whatever I wanted under the guise that “I’m just being realistic.” The reality is that I was being insensitive. I didn’t think that I had to treat people differently based on what might be going on in their lives at the moment because it didn’t matter considering where I was in my life. I have spent a lot of my adulthood oblivious to the feelings of others. That is, until I met my husband.

For nearly 5 years, I have changed in so many ways for the better. I am better able to put myself in someone else’s shoes, even if we don’t think or act alike. I’m feeling and caring and considerate. With him, I have been able to breathe and remain calm. I don’t freak out every time I see a creepy insect in my path. I’m keenly aware of how my thoughts and actions will affect others, even if the outcome is positive.

Falling on hard times is rough. A lot of the work I have done over the years to be a better person seems to disappear when hard times come. I’m inconsiderate, selfish, and angry. My feelings and my thoughts come before anyone else’s. My guilt and my shame are monstrous emotions that often overpower my ability to be reasonable. It seems that the hard times make me forget that I even have a support system at all. When my mind further retreats into darkness and gloom, a flicker of light remains.

I am often a support for friends and family. I’m strong and helpful. I try so much to be generous and kind. I think that I often lose sight of the fact that other people are doing these same things for me when I need it. That flicker easily becomes a flame when I accept help and allow myself to let go of all of the responsibility and the emotion for just a few moments.

What I end up loving the most about life is how fortunate and blessed I am after the hard times are over.

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